You guys ever have one of those days? Not those days. THOSE DAYS. I mean the really strange day where so many odd things happen that it becomes like watching a car wreck. You wanna go inside to normalcy, but you can't stop observing the weird. That's the kind of day I'm having. I woke up this morning, as usual, and things seemed to be going along quite nicely. The weather was pleasant enough to wear just a hoodie. No Jacket Required. I then went to my research methods class. This is where things got weird. I've been in this class for a semester now and I've been doing mostly statistical work. Well, that's done now - thank the maker. So now the class is all about the interesting world of interviews. The professor started off class by talking about statistics and then saying, "And now for something completely different." I lost it. If it weren't for the other students snickering, people would have thought I had gone crazy. I thought John bloody Cleese was going to do a silly walk right into the classroom. The best part is that I don't think she meant to quote Monty Python. I think that's just a British thing that British people say. I think the Python boys were just the first to realize how silly this island and its inhabitants can be.
I must say, however, that everything else she said today was nowhere near funny. We listened to her speak for 2 and a half hours about interviews. Let me tell you, if there's one thing that shouldn't take 2 and a half hours to explain, it's interviews. 30 minutes. Tops. Part of it may be due to the fact that. She. Talks. Like. William. Shatner. Can? You? Imagine? 2? And? A? Half? Hours? Of? That? I was starting to go crazy. Except for the guy who sits in front of me. His real name is Alan, but I tend to think of him as the Lord Voldemort of Research Methods. I'll explain why in a minute.
First. Allow. Me. To. Digress. (I learned today that you are not supposed to let your interviewees do that.)
Digression: Many of you may already know this, but I suspect that some of you don't. The middle finger is recognized world over for being an easy way (as long as you were careful in shop class) to tell people where they can go. The British have and use the middle finger. En fait, it was a gesture born from British archers. (I'd tell you the story but that would be a Double Digression. Some lines I just won't cross.) There is, however, another way to insult people in Britain. I will use a picture from the inter-tubes (and Churchill) to demonstrate.
Mr. Churchill says good morning and sod off
Anyway, that's the v-sign, or as the Scottish call it, "The Vicky." Back to my day.
This guy, Lord Voldemort of Research Methods, sits in front of me and makes cynical comments all day. He's older than me, probably in his late 30's or early 40's. When the professor asked if any of us had done interview or survey work Lord Voldemort says he has. She begins talking about ethics and he subsequently reveals that in order to identify people taking supposedly anonymous surveys, they would individualize each survey with a typo, so as to know who said what. I'm pretty sure that's unethical. Judging by the look the prof gave him, I'm pretty sure she thought so too. I had to laugh, though. He justified it by saying that they were poor, marginalized scum. Should have just called them all filthy mudbloods and be done with it. Later when she asked if there were any questions he raised his hand, pointing his index finger out like so.
Oh! Oh! Pick me! Pick me!
Voldemort then raises it higher when she fails to call on him. She obviously doesn't see him because she's down front pulling a Ben Stein.
"Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?"
Voldemort's buddy next to him jokingly pushes Voldemort's arm up higher. The professor still doesn't see him. She's still on like Ben Stein. Voldemort seems annoyed. When she starts to move on with the lecture, Voldemort flicks his wrist, extends his middle finger and creates an instant v-sign. Instant Vicky. Sounds like a cocktail. There was much gasping and head-shaking. Some teeth probably gnashed somewhere. The professor missed this entirely. I couldn't believe it. The whole scene had John Bender written all over it.
The Walk Back.
The Chinese have a racist term for westerners. Europeans, Brits, Americans, Canucks. They call westerners Da Bizi. (Pronounced Da bee zuh) It means "big nose."
As I was walking back I started noticing a trend. I started seeing people with big noses. I started paying closer attention to the people I was passing every single one had a huge Schnoz. It was a little less than a mile and every nose I passed was huge. I was left speechless. Which is fine because I had nobody to talk to anyhoo. The weirdest part though, was that when I crossed the street, everyone I passed had a normal looking nose. I can't explain it. Act of God. Whatever it was, it was $#%@-ing weird.
That was my weird day.
On a non weird note, I met the other three guys I would be living with next year and they're all upstanding folk. Nice guys, every one. We also found a house, which is really nice. It's located next to a pub, just like my current place. The atmosphere at that pub is better, but the food isn't. Cheap pints though. All in all, this has been a VERY interesting week. I hope next week is just as interesting.
Number one, make it so!
Engage!
-Jonathan "Medium Bizi" Trenary
