My Deranged Dell

'Allo, 'allo.

The post is just to say that I will not be putting out video blogs till after January 11th. The reason for this is my computer's slow but sure descent into a Kurtzian state (of Conrad fame.) It finds new errors and ways to make data blink out of existence on a daily basis. Today it adopted a rather adorable but ultimately infuriating screen shake that, at first, reminds me of a wet dog trying to dry off. Then it reminds me of a furiously antagonistic machine full of hate and ill will towards the massive loads of work that I must accomplish with said hate-machine. Hopefully I will buy a new computer soon, but until I do I am afraid of putting my hard drive through the rigors that Windows Movie Maker tends to inflict.

Until later.

Always look on the bright side of life.

Jonathan "The madness..." Trenary

Post Thanksgiving (Grey Saturday)

It's really grey (gray?) and bleak outside. Surprisingly, the weather has been pretty good the past few months. It rains more here than it does back home, but I certainly wouldn't describe my experience over here as "rainy." I hope it stays that way.

I had Thanksgiving with my flatmates. It was really good.

We ate:

Beer Can Chicken

Stuffing

Twice-Baked Mashed Potatoes

And of course...

Cranberry Sauce

I am aware that it is heretical to eat something other than turkey as a Thanksgiving bird. To be honest, I would have loved to eat turkey! But after going to two butchers and a large supermarket, I could not find a turkey anywhere. So, I was left with either duck or chicken. I couldn't really comprehend eating duck for Thanksgiving, so it fell on me to get chicken. I still wanted to capture the warm nostalgic (and slightly homesick) feeling that I would have felt had I been eating turkey. The closest I could come to was beer can chicken. I don't know why beer can chicken feels like home to me. It could be all those times Dam and I spent poking and prodding the flavor-filled bird, arguing about whether it was ready or not. Or it could be the redneck in me, climbing to get out. I'm not really sure. All I know is that bird was tasty. Additionally, it was priceless to see Kuran's face when I explained to him HOW you make a beer can chicken.

The real hit of the night though, were the twice-baked mashed potatoes. I think I've found my signature holiday dish here. Alex and Rita, a couple of friends of mine that came over later that evening pretty much licked the pan clean. Even cold, the potatoes were a hit.

Also - sustaining a straight diet of Thanksgiving sandwiches. Those of you that know me really well, know that my favorite food in the ENTIRE WORLD is the Thanksgiving sandwich. Entire turkeys have been cooked after Thanksgiving so that I could continue binging on birdflesh, stuffing, cranberry sauce and mayo; all nestled between two pieces of bread. If I were on death row my last meal would in no uncertain terms be as many Thanksgiving sandwiches as the budget allowed for. Word has it that Han Solo loves Thanksgiving sandwiches too. That's how good they are.

So life is pretty good right now. It's gonna get really busy around here soon. I've got oral examinations in Chinese coming up, as well as a project for Stats class. I'm enjoying the high while I can, before I sink into a mire of work.

Things are grand, but I'm starting to get a little homesick.

No big though. I'll be heading home soon enough.

Keep on truckin'

- Jonathan "Potato King" Trenary

Vampires and crap

Sorry it's late.

Enjoy.

Canned Mayonaise and Powerful Men

This...

happened to me today.

It happened while I was running, in fact. I was under the impression that this sort of thing only happened in bad romantic comedies that star Sandra Bullock. But no, it happened to me. And the splasher was driving a bus, not an Audi, so the splash was even more intense. I feel particularly bad for the girls that were passing me (Unless they didn't get wet because I acted as a shield. Then I don't feel bad for them at all.) because they were carrying shopping bags and wearing normal clothes. Fortunately I was just wearing my running clothes, so no loss. Just an uncomfortable run back to the flat.

That'll teach me to go running right after it rains.

Another observation:

As I attempt to adapt to the diet of a British college student, I find myself experimenting with different canned foods. I am rapidly finding out that the more ingredients a canned meal has (this does not include soup,) the worse the meal is. For example, today I ate a can of beans and franks with my turkey sandwich. I thought it would be something akin to the beloved spaghettios from my childhood. It wasn't. It was six Vienna sausages thrown into a can of baked beans. It was palatable. But only barely. Even worse was the...*gulp*... tryst with canned tuna. Except the canned tuna also included corn and mayo. I like those things in my tuna salad. I thought it would be okay. It wasn't. It was terrible. I can't even begin to describe how awful it was. Even with fixin's. And as you all know, good fixin's can turn even the most bland and terrible sandwich into something magnificent. These fixin's couldn't. Unless it's soup or just plain baked beans, stay away from British canned goods.

Two more things:

The first is a new obsession I have with Forbes' recent "World's Most Powerful People" list.

There are a couple of really fascinating things about this list. The first that I would like to point out is that Sergey Brin and Larry Page, the co-founders of Google, are placed on the list as the fifth most powerful people on the planet. Imagine, two internet nerds (a nerd is a good thing to be) are considered to be more powerful than all but 3 of the world's leaders and Ben Bernanke.

The second thing I would like to point out is that Rupert Murdoch sits at #7. Terrifying.

Third, Osama bin Laden is #37 because, he is "casus belli of two U.S.-led wars costing over $1 trillion." Scary that he's so high up on the list (Higher than Ali Hoseini-Khamanei, leader of Iran) and even scarier that Forbes is unaware of the fact that the Iraq war was planned independently of Osama bin Laden's actions, and was well underway before the WTC was bombed. In fact, Bob Woodward implies in his book, State of Denial, that overzealous war planning may of interfered with detection of the plot to destroy the towers. But that's discussion for another time and place.

Fourth, Putin is #3, Medvedev is #43. Wait. So who's ruling Russia?

Fifth, and most importantly, is what this list tells us about Forbes. To take a page from Edward Said, the article and the choices made in constructing the list tell us far more about Forbes magazine than about the people on the list. Furthermore, how does one rank power? According to Forbes it seems that the person most able to affect the world economy is the most powerful. That would explain Ben Bernanke's listing at spot #4. But who do we really know who's the most powerful?

Dear Forbes writers, to take a page from Billy Joel, you may be wrong for all I know, but you may be right.

So I came up with an idea to determine who is the most powerful. In addition to economic measurements potential list members must engage in 3 other competitions of mental, physical and artistic might.

Challenge 1: Mental Olympiad. Filled with terrible long division math questions, spatial reasoning puzzles, SAT analogies and brain teasers, competitors will strive to see who has the strongest mind. The final gauntlet? Solving a Rubik's cube.

Challenge 2: Obstacle Course . I'm imagining something that mixes the Nickelodeon show GUTS! with American Gladiators with the basic training that American Green Berets undergo. Any ties will be determined by an arm wrestling match. Best two outta three.

Challenge 3: Create a great work of art. This is where a lot of people would stumble and fall, but the truly powerful will be able to pull it off with a flourish. Nothing says "power" like controlling the world economy by day and painting majestic landscapes in oils by night.

That's it for today. Or I should say tonight. It was completely dark by 4:30 PM. Yay 50 degrees latitude.

Hasta luego.

- Jonathan "Joggin' Soggy" Trenary

What The Meep: The Conspiracy Against Jim Henson

Idioms and a Complaint

Until recently, I thought that growing up in the southern United States (albeit the most northern of the southern United States,) had equipped me with a rather large repository of idioms to fling at unsuspecting victims at will. I was under the impression that the American South was the most idiomatic place in the world. I've recently discovered that this is not true. China is. Mandarin has more idioms than you can shake a stick at. For instance:

This translates roughly to say that things are happening one disaster after another. It directly translates to mean that frost is forming on the snow.

My personal favorite though, because I grew up hearing the English version is:

It translates to say "throwing oil on a fire," which is the Mandarin equivalent of the American idiom, "throwing gas on the fire." Or as I grew up hearing it, "Throw'n gas onna faaar," which means (for those of you that aren't idiomatically inclined) to make matters even worse than they already are. One last excellent saying that I recently learned concerns death. Yes, the Chinese have many ways to talk about death but this is one of my favorites because it's so close to the English translation:

It literally translates to: "Death machine blue screen" or as we anglophones refer to it, "The Blue Screen of Death." For those of you that don't know of it (you must be a meager few,) the Blue Screen of Death is that often enjoyed, full-screen error message of Microsoft's that lets you know that no matter how long you wait for your computer to "think," there is no return and you should just turn the machine off and call tech support.

So know that I am learning much over here! And I plan to come back to America with twice as many idioms in my bag as I had before. Be warned.

Also, my Chinese for Research class is slowly turning into a music class. The teacher had one of the students sing a song in Chinese a few weeks ago because he was ill-prepared and lazy. Today the professor sang for us. I don't really know the story behind it, but I think it concerns an arrangement she made with another student in the class. Needless to say, her voice blew me away. Had Simon Cowell been in our classroom this afternoon, he would have had nary to say but praise. Watch out Susan Boyle.

One last observation. I don't know much about American graduate programs in Geography, but I'm somewhat disappointed with the fact that I go to class once a week, or in the case of my Philosophy of Social Science class, once in a literal fortnight. That would be fine if I had some ultimate project to be working towards. But I don't. I just have roughly one hundred pages of reading due every other week, which I can easily knock out in a night or two. I also try to do some reading on the side. I'm still sitting here unchallenged (or so I feel.)

Chinese, on the other hand, has me working and studying all the time. I'm really getting something out of the Chinese and my command of the language is noticeably growing. But the Geography... It's hard to get motivated when you only have 100 pages worth of reading due every two weeks. The little effort that the reading takes is further enriched (this is hardcore sarcasm) by the fact that there's no penalty for not reading. Enfait, last class a classmate confessed that the he got to page 6 of a 68 page reading and stopped because it was "too much."Zubbadubah?!?! (That's the onomatopoeia of the noise I make when I am in disbelief.)

What's more, the Philosophy of Social Science assessments at the end of the course basically encourage total slacking. I have two six page essays to write in May that are my only graded assignments. Of the 8 philosophers that we discuss over the term, one of our essays must address any of the 8. I can read up on one philosopher, neglect the rest, remain quiet in class with impunity, deliver a decent essay and pass the course. How easy.

I'm obviously not here for easy.

My ultimate complaint has little to do with the fact that my own education falls unto me. That's fine. My problem is that, from what I can tell, this is one hell of a Laissez-faire geography department. They're all nice people, to be sure, but the requirements are a little less rigorous than I expected. I end up trying to fill weeks that go devoid of any interaction with the department or class assignments with "my own little curriculum" so that I feel like I'm really getting what's being paid for over here. (And the rates are, as my friend Martyn put it,extortionate.)

Maybe I can just sneak into some Intro to Human Geography classes. Just to get a taste...

To any and all geographers out there: What's a great geography book to read to fill the time? What's your favorite? What will challenge my perceptions of space and social/political interaction? Suggestions as to a book that does any or all of these would be greatly appreciated!

If you don't have a Blogger account, just send an e-mail to jonathantrenary@gmail.com

On a positive note, I'm going to go see The Men Who Stare at Goats tomorrow. And I will buy an air filtration machine.

But I must go now, so

I'm off like a bride's gown on her wedding night.

-Jonathan "Idiomatic Idiot" Trenary

Standing in Sesame Street

Video of Guy Fawkes Day celebration to follow shortly...

November and the Evidence (Of Halloween)

It's that time of the year. Leaves are all over the place, the wind is getting sharp and chilly, and hooligans are running about in costumes. It must be fall. Speaking of silly costumes...

This is me as a horse. Well... the front half of a horse, anyway. Apparently I'm getting attacked by Robin Hood. Little does miss Hood know that horses have no pockets in which they keep their valuables. The poor will only get more "nothing" if she tries to spread around my wealth.

This is my flatmate, Jay. He was the back end of the horse. Some might call him a horse's ass. But those people just don't know Jay! He's actually a really good flatmate. He's considerate and he makes for excellent company. And he's dutch.

A lot of the other people at the soiree were from places like Peru and Argentina. It was pretty good crowd. Aside from all the Ricky Martin, it was a pretty good party. (Okay, I jest about the Ricky Martin, but Enrique Elgasias was in full effect.) I think the party was the most exciting thing that happened all weekend, aside from returning the horse costume and seeing that the costume shop had my Outlaw Josey Wales poster.

Other topics of discussion: November in general. This is a great month. It's almost turkey time! And in addition to the glory of Thanksgiving, lots of excellent people were born this month. In fact, I've made a poem to commemorate November birthdays.

Of all the births that ever were

The best were done in November

To you sir I truly aver

The best were done in November

If e’er a time for a cowboy

Must be the month of Will and Roy

Rogers, I add a tad too late

And Billy the Kid, child of fate

Speaking of Billy’s (as I am)

Evangelical William Graham

And not so holy, no he inn’t

The master of smut, Larry Flynt

Hot Lips from M*A*S*H, Loretta Switt

Wax on, wax off, Karate Kid

And who can forget Walt Cronkite

Ferrigno hulks out with his might

True writers of wit, time to strut

Vivre! Voltaire and Kurt Vonnegut

On, Alan Sheppard! Into Space!

Billie Jean King, keep up the pace!

It’s true November has these two,

Indira and her dad Nehru

Odd that November 19

Has Ted Turner AND Larry King

Sad to say that Sagan is gone

With Captain Kirk’s nemesis, KHAAAAAAN!

Glad to say Ed Asner's still here

Unlike Karlof, master of fear

Nixon’s first veep, mister Agnew

Dick was a crook, Spiro was too.

Harding, Taylor, two presidents

Who both died while in residence.

Bram Stroker writes of Dracula

Hendrix makes rock spectaculah!

Charles Schulz and also Bruce Lee

How bad ass can November be?

Others undocumented though:

Chewbacca and Han Solo

Yes, Wolverine and Batman too

November babies through and through

Now to the best: Jonathan Swift

Born on a great day. Catch my drift?

On the same day was born Mark Twain

Today masters of satire reign.

Of all the births that ever were

The best were done in November

The most important you will see

Happened on the thirtieth ~ ME!

And that's my vain poem about how great November birthdays are. Also, it's No-Shave November, so ladies and men, put away those razors for a few weeks and let hair do what it's meant to do: GROW! Let those armpit brambles get bramblier! Swimmers, take a break. Cultivate that beard or those chin hairs! Don't spend money on that bikini line! It's too cold to be at the beach anyway! Bearded lady, keep on truckin'!

Lastly, November is also National Novel Writing month. This is the month in which writers try to come up with a novel of 50,000 words. It's an international contest and more information can be found in the neighborhood of HERE. For those of you recovering from various operations or illnesses or those who simply work at Mattress factories and have free time in between quality testing sessions, this might be something to look into.

As for me, I got tons of Chinese to write. The Analects got nothing on me.

I'm out like sauerkraut.

- Jonathan "Yeah Topaz is an Ugly Rock, So What!" Trenary