My Deranged Dell

'Allo, 'allo.

The post is just to say that I will not be putting out video blogs till after January 11th. The reason for this is my computer's slow but sure descent into a Kurtzian state (of Conrad fame.) It finds new errors and ways to make data blink out of existence on a daily basis. Today it adopted a rather adorable but ultimately infuriating screen shake that, at first, reminds me of a wet dog trying to dry off. Then it reminds me of a furiously antagonistic machine full of hate and ill will towards the massive loads of work that I must accomplish with said hate-machine. Hopefully I will buy a new computer soon, but until I do I am afraid of putting my hard drive through the rigors that Windows Movie Maker tends to inflict.

Until later.

Always look on the bright side of life.

Jonathan "The madness..." Trenary

Post Thanksgiving (Grey Saturday)

It's really grey (gray?) and bleak outside. Surprisingly, the weather has been pretty good the past few months. It rains more here than it does back home, but I certainly wouldn't describe my experience over here as "rainy." I hope it stays that way.

I had Thanksgiving with my flatmates. It was really good.

We ate:

Beer Can Chicken

Stuffing

Twice-Baked Mashed Potatoes

And of course...

Cranberry Sauce

I am aware that it is heretical to eat something other than turkey as a Thanksgiving bird. To be honest, I would have loved to eat turkey! But after going to two butchers and a large supermarket, I could not find a turkey anywhere. So, I was left with either duck or chicken. I couldn't really comprehend eating duck for Thanksgiving, so it fell on me to get chicken. I still wanted to capture the warm nostalgic (and slightly homesick) feeling that I would have felt had I been eating turkey. The closest I could come to was beer can chicken. I don't know why beer can chicken feels like home to me. It could be all those times Dam and I spent poking and prodding the flavor-filled bird, arguing about whether it was ready or not. Or it could be the redneck in me, climbing to get out. I'm not really sure. All I know is that bird was tasty. Additionally, it was priceless to see Kuran's face when I explained to him HOW you make a beer can chicken.

The real hit of the night though, were the twice-baked mashed potatoes. I think I've found my signature holiday dish here. Alex and Rita, a couple of friends of mine that came over later that evening pretty much licked the pan clean. Even cold, the potatoes were a hit.

Also - sustaining a straight diet of Thanksgiving sandwiches. Those of you that know me really well, know that my favorite food in the ENTIRE WORLD is the Thanksgiving sandwich. Entire turkeys have been cooked after Thanksgiving so that I could continue binging on birdflesh, stuffing, cranberry sauce and mayo; all nestled between two pieces of bread. If I were on death row my last meal would in no uncertain terms be as many Thanksgiving sandwiches as the budget allowed for. Word has it that Han Solo loves Thanksgiving sandwiches too. That's how good they are.

So life is pretty good right now. It's gonna get really busy around here soon. I've got oral examinations in Chinese coming up, as well as a project for Stats class. I'm enjoying the high while I can, before I sink into a mire of work.

Things are grand, but I'm starting to get a little homesick.

No big though. I'll be heading home soon enough.

Keep on truckin'

- Jonathan "Potato King" Trenary

Vampires and crap

Sorry it's late.

Enjoy.

Canned Mayonaise and Powerful Men

This...

happened to me today.

It happened while I was running, in fact. I was under the impression that this sort of thing only happened in bad romantic comedies that star Sandra Bullock. But no, it happened to me. And the splasher was driving a bus, not an Audi, so the splash was even more intense. I feel particularly bad for the girls that were passing me (Unless they didn't get wet because I acted as a shield. Then I don't feel bad for them at all.) because they were carrying shopping bags and wearing normal clothes. Fortunately I was just wearing my running clothes, so no loss. Just an uncomfortable run back to the flat.

That'll teach me to go running right after it rains.

Another observation:

As I attempt to adapt to the diet of a British college student, I find myself experimenting with different canned foods. I am rapidly finding out that the more ingredients a canned meal has (this does not include soup,) the worse the meal is. For example, today I ate a can of beans and franks with my turkey sandwich. I thought it would be something akin to the beloved spaghettios from my childhood. It wasn't. It was six Vienna sausages thrown into a can of baked beans. It was palatable. But only barely. Even worse was the...*gulp*... tryst with canned tuna. Except the canned tuna also included corn and mayo. I like those things in my tuna salad. I thought it would be okay. It wasn't. It was terrible. I can't even begin to describe how awful it was. Even with fixin's. And as you all know, good fixin's can turn even the most bland and terrible sandwich into something magnificent. These fixin's couldn't. Unless it's soup or just plain baked beans, stay away from British canned goods.

Two more things:

The first is a new obsession I have with Forbes' recent "World's Most Powerful People" list.

There are a couple of really fascinating things about this list. The first that I would like to point out is that Sergey Brin and Larry Page, the co-founders of Google, are placed on the list as the fifth most powerful people on the planet. Imagine, two internet nerds (a nerd is a good thing to be) are considered to be more powerful than all but 3 of the world's leaders and Ben Bernanke.

The second thing I would like to point out is that Rupert Murdoch sits at #7. Terrifying.

Third, Osama bin Laden is #37 because, he is "casus belli of two U.S.-led wars costing over $1 trillion." Scary that he's so high up on the list (Higher than Ali Hoseini-Khamanei, leader of Iran) and even scarier that Forbes is unaware of the fact that the Iraq war was planned independently of Osama bin Laden's actions, and was well underway before the WTC was bombed. In fact, Bob Woodward implies in his book, State of Denial, that overzealous war planning may of interfered with detection of the plot to destroy the towers. But that's discussion for another time and place.

Fourth, Putin is #3, Medvedev is #43. Wait. So who's ruling Russia?

Fifth, and most importantly, is what this list tells us about Forbes. To take a page from Edward Said, the article and the choices made in constructing the list tell us far more about Forbes magazine than about the people on the list. Furthermore, how does one rank power? According to Forbes it seems that the person most able to affect the world economy is the most powerful. That would explain Ben Bernanke's listing at spot #4. But who do we really know who's the most powerful?

Dear Forbes writers, to take a page from Billy Joel, you may be wrong for all I know, but you may be right.

So I came up with an idea to determine who is the most powerful. In addition to economic measurements potential list members must engage in 3 other competitions of mental, physical and artistic might.

Challenge 1: Mental Olympiad. Filled with terrible long division math questions, spatial reasoning puzzles, SAT analogies and brain teasers, competitors will strive to see who has the strongest mind. The final gauntlet? Solving a Rubik's cube.

Challenge 2: Obstacle Course . I'm imagining something that mixes the Nickelodeon show GUTS! with American Gladiators with the basic training that American Green Berets undergo. Any ties will be determined by an arm wrestling match. Best two outta three.

Challenge 3: Create a great work of art. This is where a lot of people would stumble and fall, but the truly powerful will be able to pull it off with a flourish. Nothing says "power" like controlling the world economy by day and painting majestic landscapes in oils by night.

That's it for today. Or I should say tonight. It was completely dark by 4:30 PM. Yay 50 degrees latitude.

Hasta luego.

- Jonathan "Joggin' Soggy" Trenary

What The Meep: The Conspiracy Against Jim Henson

Idioms and a Complaint

Until recently, I thought that growing up in the southern United States (albeit the most northern of the southern United States,) had equipped me with a rather large repository of idioms to fling at unsuspecting victims at will. I was under the impression that the American South was the most idiomatic place in the world. I've recently discovered that this is not true. China is. Mandarin has more idioms than you can shake a stick at. For instance:

This translates roughly to say that things are happening one disaster after another. It directly translates to mean that frost is forming on the snow.

My personal favorite though, because I grew up hearing the English version is:

It translates to say "throwing oil on a fire," which is the Mandarin equivalent of the American idiom, "throwing gas on the fire." Or as I grew up hearing it, "Throw'n gas onna faaar," which means (for those of you that aren't idiomatically inclined) to make matters even worse than they already are. One last excellent saying that I recently learned concerns death. Yes, the Chinese have many ways to talk about death but this is one of my favorites because it's so close to the English translation:

It literally translates to: "Death machine blue screen" or as we anglophones refer to it, "The Blue Screen of Death." For those of you that don't know of it (you must be a meager few,) the Blue Screen of Death is that often enjoyed, full-screen error message of Microsoft's that lets you know that no matter how long you wait for your computer to "think," there is no return and you should just turn the machine off and call tech support.

So know that I am learning much over here! And I plan to come back to America with twice as many idioms in my bag as I had before. Be warned.

Also, my Chinese for Research class is slowly turning into a music class. The teacher had one of the students sing a song in Chinese a few weeks ago because he was ill-prepared and lazy. Today the professor sang for us. I don't really know the story behind it, but I think it concerns an arrangement she made with another student in the class. Needless to say, her voice blew me away. Had Simon Cowell been in our classroom this afternoon, he would have had nary to say but praise. Watch out Susan Boyle.

One last observation. I don't know much about American graduate programs in Geography, but I'm somewhat disappointed with the fact that I go to class once a week, or in the case of my Philosophy of Social Science class, once in a literal fortnight. That would be fine if I had some ultimate project to be working towards. But I don't. I just have roughly one hundred pages of reading due every other week, which I can easily knock out in a night or two. I also try to do some reading on the side. I'm still sitting here unchallenged (or so I feel.)

Chinese, on the other hand, has me working and studying all the time. I'm really getting something out of the Chinese and my command of the language is noticeably growing. But the Geography... It's hard to get motivated when you only have 100 pages worth of reading due every two weeks. The little effort that the reading takes is further enriched (this is hardcore sarcasm) by the fact that there's no penalty for not reading. Enfait, last class a classmate confessed that the he got to page 6 of a 68 page reading and stopped because it was "too much."Zubbadubah?!?! (That's the onomatopoeia of the noise I make when I am in disbelief.)

What's more, the Philosophy of Social Science assessments at the end of the course basically encourage total slacking. I have two six page essays to write in May that are my only graded assignments. Of the 8 philosophers that we discuss over the term, one of our essays must address any of the 8. I can read up on one philosopher, neglect the rest, remain quiet in class with impunity, deliver a decent essay and pass the course. How easy.

I'm obviously not here for easy.

My ultimate complaint has little to do with the fact that my own education falls unto me. That's fine. My problem is that, from what I can tell, this is one hell of a Laissez-faire geography department. They're all nice people, to be sure, but the requirements are a little less rigorous than I expected. I end up trying to fill weeks that go devoid of any interaction with the department or class assignments with "my own little curriculum" so that I feel like I'm really getting what's being paid for over here. (And the rates are, as my friend Martyn put it,extortionate.)

Maybe I can just sneak into some Intro to Human Geography classes. Just to get a taste...

To any and all geographers out there: What's a great geography book to read to fill the time? What's your favorite? What will challenge my perceptions of space and social/political interaction? Suggestions as to a book that does any or all of these would be greatly appreciated!

If you don't have a Blogger account, just send an e-mail to jonathantrenary@gmail.com

On a positive note, I'm going to go see The Men Who Stare at Goats tomorrow. And I will buy an air filtration machine.

But I must go now, so

I'm off like a bride's gown on her wedding night.

-Jonathan "Idiomatic Idiot" Trenary

Standing in Sesame Street

Video of Guy Fawkes Day celebration to follow shortly...

November and the Evidence (Of Halloween)

It's that time of the year. Leaves are all over the place, the wind is getting sharp and chilly, and hooligans are running about in costumes. It must be fall. Speaking of silly costumes...

This is me as a horse. Well... the front half of a horse, anyway. Apparently I'm getting attacked by Robin Hood. Little does miss Hood know that horses have no pockets in which they keep their valuables. The poor will only get more "nothing" if she tries to spread around my wealth.

This is my flatmate, Jay. He was the back end of the horse. Some might call him a horse's ass. But those people just don't know Jay! He's actually a really good flatmate. He's considerate and he makes for excellent company. And he's dutch.

A lot of the other people at the soiree were from places like Peru and Argentina. It was pretty good crowd. Aside from all the Ricky Martin, it was a pretty good party. (Okay, I jest about the Ricky Martin, but Enrique Elgasias was in full effect.) I think the party was the most exciting thing that happened all weekend, aside from returning the horse costume and seeing that the costume shop had my Outlaw Josey Wales poster.

Other topics of discussion: November in general. This is a great month. It's almost turkey time! And in addition to the glory of Thanksgiving, lots of excellent people were born this month. In fact, I've made a poem to commemorate November birthdays.

Of all the births that ever were

The best were done in November

To you sir I truly aver

The best were done in November

If e’er a time for a cowboy

Must be the month of Will and Roy

Rogers, I add a tad too late

And Billy the Kid, child of fate

Speaking of Billy’s (as I am)

Evangelical William Graham

And not so holy, no he inn’t

The master of smut, Larry Flynt

Hot Lips from M*A*S*H, Loretta Switt

Wax on, wax off, Karate Kid

And who can forget Walt Cronkite

Ferrigno hulks out with his might

True writers of wit, time to strut

Vivre! Voltaire and Kurt Vonnegut

On, Alan Sheppard! Into Space!

Billie Jean King, keep up the pace!

It’s true November has these two,

Indira and her dad Nehru

Odd that November 19

Has Ted Turner AND Larry King

Sad to say that Sagan is gone

With Captain Kirk’s nemesis, KHAAAAAAN!

Glad to say Ed Asner's still here

Unlike Karlof, master of fear

Nixon’s first veep, mister Agnew

Dick was a crook, Spiro was too.

Harding, Taylor, two presidents

Who both died while in residence.

Bram Stroker writes of Dracula

Hendrix makes rock spectaculah!

Charles Schulz and also Bruce Lee

How bad ass can November be?

Others undocumented though:

Chewbacca and Han Solo

Yes, Wolverine and Batman too

November babies through and through

Now to the best: Jonathan Swift

Born on a great day. Catch my drift?

On the same day was born Mark Twain

Today masters of satire reign.

Of all the births that ever were

The best were done in November

The most important you will see

Happened on the thirtieth ~ ME!

And that's my vain poem about how great November birthdays are. Also, it's No-Shave November, so ladies and men, put away those razors for a few weeks and let hair do what it's meant to do: GROW! Let those armpit brambles get bramblier! Swimmers, take a break. Cultivate that beard or those chin hairs! Don't spend money on that bikini line! It's too cold to be at the beach anyway! Bearded lady, keep on truckin'!

Lastly, November is also National Novel Writing month. This is the month in which writers try to come up with a novel of 50,000 words. It's an international contest and more information can be found in the neighborhood of HERE. For those of you recovering from various operations or illnesses or those who simply work at Mattress factories and have free time in between quality testing sessions, this might be something to look into.

As for me, I got tons of Chinese to write. The Analects got nothing on me.

I'm out like sauerkraut.

- Jonathan "Yeah Topaz is an Ugly Rock, So What!" Trenary

Horsing Around For Halloween

I don't know what happened to my camera's microphone. It may be going bad, or I may have to fix some audio settings. Either way, hopefully the issue will be sorted out by next weekend.


Also: Canadians don't use doors when they don't have to. Just sayin'. (This is why I keep the kitchen window shut and locked.)

Guess Who's Baaaack?

This week is off to an interesting start. I'm doing a little better with my Chinese and the geography classes are no problem. I'm actually starting to see a sliver of free time on the horizon. I think I'll use it to try and figure out what's wrong with me. I've had some sort of headache (sinus-related?) all day and I've been phlegmy for weeks now. I don't feel sick. Just super congested.

Weird thing though, completely unrelated to being sick. The 80's are definitely back in this country. I don't know if 80's fashion has returned to America, but it's back in full force in England. Especially for women.

Par example:




This dress is typical fare for British college-age girls. I don't especially know why this fashion came back, but I wish it would have stayed away. I know that things are cyclical. For instance, I remember in the late 90's where people started wearing flare pants again.

My dad once noted: "People still pop their collars? God. People did that when I was in college and it looked stupid as hell then too."

I guess it goes to show that as long as there are idiotic looking things to do in the fashion world, people will do it, regardless of whether or not it is practical. Fashion's not about practical. It's about making a statement. And the statement that lots of young British ladies are making is that they were too young to remember the 1980's and how silly it looked. I may have been on the ass-end of the decade (although I wonder if the whole decade wasn't an ass-end) but I remember how stupid people looked, and I can remember making a choice in my little four-year-old brain to never ever wear acid wash jeans and a brightly colored windbreaker. I'm sure I did anyway though, because I think my parents dressed me until I was about six. But never again.

Another Reason The 80's are Back in Britain:


This is Eleanor Jackon, front woman for the ontemporary chart-topping British group, La Roux. (She's younger than I am. Scary.)



This is Mike Score, front man for Flock of Seagulls. I trust that you can see what I'm getting at here.

Mom, Dad. If I come back wearing parachute pants or denim cut-offs, just slip some high level poison in my food. The 1980's is one vortex I have no desire to get sucked into.

I have a splitting headache, so no more for today.

Eatcha veggies, stay in school and don't do drugs!

- Jonathan "I Ran So Far Away" Trenary

Hoovers and Haters

Interesting week across the pond.

Here's the link for the British National Party Website: http://bnp.org.uk/

And here is one where you can watch the debate on Question Time on which Nick Griffin appeared: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HK6Gw4Qlz0A&feature=related

And here's a clever little diversion for you: http://alittlepoison.com/2009/06/15/interview-with-nicks-griffin/

Hoovers

Whew! I can finally take a breath and relax. For a little while a least. And by relax, I mean only do roughly 3-4 hours of work outside of school a day. The last two days have been hellish as I pieced together 9 pages of graphwork and analysis. At the same time I was preparing for an oral presentation for Mandarin Chinese for Research.

I guess it's good that I have this much work though. It keeps me off of the streets.

An interesting thing about the graphs though. I spent more time using MS Paint to create graphs than I did actually using the statistical and graphing software. I guess it's good that I logged so much time as a kid screwing around with MS Paint on my dad's computer. It has served me well. Additionally, a friend of mine informed me that an artist named Bert Monroy makes digital art using programs like MS Paint. Here's one of his works of art:



You can see the rest of his work at HERE.

Sometimes I feel like the guy in the picture except, the neon signs in Nottingham all say, "OPEN 8, MAYBE 9 HOURS!" Things close really early around here. The only things that stay open late are clubs and certain bars. And of course, the chippies. That would be fine if going to clubs, bars and chippies were my entire raison d'etre over here. But I want to do other things too! In America we have late-night bowling. Where's the late-night ten pin house over here? Also, I am very interested in finding a late night jaunt that serves coffee or tea all night. Something like IHOP, really. (Did I really just, in some form, claim to miss IHOP?) Shopping closes around 6:00 pm as well. Unless it's Wednesday. Then, for reasons unknown to me, the shops stay open till 7:00.

The Hoover Story.

I don't own a vacuum cleaner over here. I own a hoover. What does it do? Well, it hooves. At least, now it does. It didn't when I first got here. Mostly it just spat foul smelling liquid out of the business end of the vacuu... er... hoover. It really fouled up my carpet too. I ended up fussillading my carpet with half a can of bathroom airfreshener. It was epic and comparable to a freshly gassed trench in World War I. Except it smelled like flowers, not death. Here is a picture of the cute, but once deadly scourge of Flat 9.


No lie. That's what our vacuum/hoover looks like. It only works now because of two ballsy endeavors to fix it. The first, and ultimately less ballsy of the two, was my removal of the foul, fetid, feculent waste that was brooding inside of our happy hoover. The second and much braver action was Jay's thorough cleansing and drying that he gave it. It works fine now, but it tends to still smell when you fire it up. At least it works and doesn't leave it's foul stench in the carpet anymore. Jeez. Looking at it, I feel like it needs a name. Maybe "Hoovie" or "Galdemon: Destroyer of Lands and Sucker of Wastes!" That second name cannot be said. It must be screamed.

Lastly, I need help figuring out what to be for Halloween. I need ideas. Help me out.

That's all from my end.

Keepin' it real like a banana peel.

- Jonathan "My Hoover Sucks" Trenary

My Rampant Consumerism

This week has been kinda hectic, as has the weekend. The schoolwork is starting to pile up so I have less time to put out blogs or work on videos. That's a good thing right? Anyway, I've got a new intro that I think fits well.

Otherwise, I'm super busy! Gotta go!

Marxist Geographers

I spend very little time learning actual geography these days. Almost none at all, in fact. The one exception is the cognitive map of Nottingham that I am always restructuring and revising in my head. But other than that, no geography. This is despite the fact the second word in the title of my degree is "Geography." I'm learning statistics and I'm learning about philosophy, and I'm sure as hell learning my share of Mandarin Chinese. But no geography. I guess I'll just make due with Descartes and find some use for him.

*Tangent*

Okay, since I've been lately going through the rogues gallery of every philosopher that had something to do with the way we think about space (Okay, so I lied. I get a little geography...but not enough!) and I've come to the conclusion that I would be way more into philosophy if, as a child, I was able to play with action figures of famous philosophers and scientists. For example Einstein (sold with Patent Office Playset) would come with a chalkboard and mold-able hair. Newton would get an apple and a catapult for demonstrating the principle of gravity and annoying the family cat. Descartes would of course come with his own signature scaled down fighter jet known as the Cartesian Plane. I would have been all over science and philosophy as a child with such learning aids!

*End Tangent*

The purveyor of the course sort of gave me a subtle glimpse into the cut-throat world of academia. He definitely doesn't like Marxist geographers and he is no fan of "Dick Peet." It sort of reminded me of my experiences with the Scilian mob. I could definitely see my professor trying to take out a hit on this Peet guy.

Setting: The Clark University Cartography Lab

Several professors are sitting in a dimly lit, smokey cartography lab.

Another professor enters and opens a tube containing a thematic map of fishery stocks in the North Sea which he/she unfurls across the table for the other academics to see.

Professor 1: What the hell is this?

Professor 2: It's a geographic message. It means Dick Peet sleeps with the fishies!

End scene

Okay, maybe academia isn't that harsh. But what a film it would make for if it was...

-Chinese-

This is how you write "accelerating economic growth" in Mandarin Chinese. (I wrote it myself.)

And these are lines from a Tom Petty song (Learning to Fly), also written in Mandarin that sum up how I feel in my Mandarin Chinese for Research class:

I didn't write the whole song, even though I would like to, because soon I have to study serious economic-related Mandarin instead of transcribing rock songs into foreign languages. I don't know how it happened, but I'm really struggling to keep up with this stuff. Come to find out that I am only the SECOND person to do a MSc in Human Geography and Chinese Studies at Nottingham. Ever. They're still working out the kinks. This means I have to work really hard to catch up to the people in my Research class.

I guess it also means that, for my program, I'm sort of like a founding father. Or rather a founding guinea pig.

Ultimately, I'm still having a good time learning. It's just slightly different that what I imagined it would be like. But then again, what isn't?

Lastly, I'd like to get some audience participation! Today in class we discussed how the french export a lot of philosophical thought that impacts the social sciences. What's YOUR favorite thing that the French export? Be creative!

Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies...

Jonathan "I'm gonna need a bigger boat" Trenary

Freedom is the New Dutch.

Sorry it's a bit longer than usual. I just had a lot to say.

Twinkies and Slim Jims

The degree of the average Briton's ignorance of Twinkies and other gas station snack foods is really reassuring. I've had to explain the concept of "Twinkie" several times already. Usually in the context of frying them. The Brits think we fry everything, and to an extent they are correct. That extent is a certain swath of states that exist in the U.S.'s southeast. Guess which ones. I could try to explain other aspects of the southeast like catfish farming, petrochemicals or the indigo industry, but they just wanna hear about all the weird stuff we fry. Go figure.

This British ignorance is problematic because it means that analogies such as the one posted below hold no truck.



This is why today's post will propose the founding of the American Cultural Expansion fund. The concept is really easy! Money is spent on expanding the cultural horizons of British people everywhere. And by everywhere, I mean the British people that I meet.

"How can this be done" you ask!

Simple just send a monetary donation to the following address:

Jonathan Trenary
Flat 009
Riverside Point
Radmarsh Road
Nottingham NG7 2GJ
United Kingdom

Although, it would help to educate the Britons better if you pre-convert the money from dollars to pounds, as the exchange rate is REALLY high over here. Brits that wish to donate need not worry about exchange rates, as you are likely carrying pounds on you already. And I'm not just talking about the ones you put on from going to pub every afternoon! All donations are acceptable, but your neighbors will judge you if your donation is too small, so send a big one and escape their accusing eyes.

In other news:

I'm also trying to get a hold of a stump. But it's kind of hard. There aren't many available tree stumps in a city like Nottingham. It's not like Fredericksburg where I could just turn the corner and find available tree stumps. They even have memorial tree stumps in Fredericksburg. There are no tree stumps in Nottingham, memorial or otherwise. You may be asking why I need a tree stump (or you may not.) It's for the stump game, the rules of which may be found here!

Conveniently there is a hardware store around the corner, so hammers and nails won't be too hard to find.

Not too much else to say today.

Stay tuned. Random bat time. Same bat channel.

Hasta luego ninos y ninas.

-Jonathan "I'm stumped" Trenary

POWERFUL SENTENCES

This entire island is sick. Myself included. I don't know what happened upon my arrival into London Heathrow, but since then my immune system (which is normally healthy) has been crashing. I'm not as sick as I was a week ago, but I'm once again feeling under the weather. And it's not just me. I calculate that over half of my Chinese research class is sick. This calculation results from an amalgam of dense statistical work and from watching over half my classmates cough lungs up during class time.

I am somewhat worried about the effect this sickness will have on my attendence of a very important event this Saturday. The event I speak of is the Annual Robin Hood Beer Festival. This is a very important cultural event for Nottingham, and as someone who enjoys studying cultural geographies, it is an essential part of my studies.

Here's the link to the festival website, if you are curious: http://www.nottinghamcamra.org/FestivalSite/festivalindex.html

Oh... and the coolest part? It's a beer festival AT A CASTLE! There might even be an unexpected swordfight or siege. I mean, those things aren't on the schedule, but that's EXACTLY why they would be unexpected! And what else happens at castles besides swordfights and sieges? (Well...beer drinking, obviously.) Anyway, it's this weekend, so I'll take some pictures to include in the weekend video blog, just so you guys and gals across the pond can get a whiff (so to speak) of good ol' Limey culture.

Going back to my Chinese for Research class, my professor is very occupied with teaching us "Powerful Sentences." She's always telling us that the phrase we just learned is a "Powerful Sentence!" To be honest, I really don't know how to gauge the power of a sentence. The Chinese may have a method, but I don't think American's do. Even for sentences to have power in English, they have to be somewhat circumstantial.

In America, the dichotomy between "Powerful Sentences" and normal sentences breaks down like this :

Normal Sentence: "I have a good job and disposable income."

POWERFUL SENTENCE: "I have a gun and am willing to rob you!"

UBER-POWERFUL SENTENCE: "I have a good job and disposable income and am willing to rob you!"

Oops! That's a trichotomy! But then again, Tony Montoya is one-of-a-kind so it's still a dichotomy.

The last thing that I want to address is also on the subject of Powerful Sentences. These particularly Powerful Sentences are the headlines of the Metro newspaper, a cost-free daily paper found all over England. It reports major news events, as well as strange ones. For some reason the editors of the paper have a strange fascination with the state of Florida and stories involving alligators or crocodiles.

I especially wish to draw your attention to some rather provoking headlines. A clip of the actual text from the story will be found underneath. It's all been obtained from http://metro.co.uk, which I encourage you to look at anyway. Here are some choice stories.

1. Police step in to stop Darth Vader 'porn movie'

"The set of a movie starring Darth Vader actor David Prowse was raided by police after reports it was being used to shoot a porn film.

The bungalow location was instead found to house actors filming a dramatic dialogue for the 'action thriller'.

Neighbours had jumped to the wrong conclusion after seeing a camera and lighting equipment being taken into the home."

2. Grumpy crocodile jailed for three days

"Police threw a grumpy crocodile in jail after it was discovered loitering in a town.

The two-metre long saltwater crocodile was hanging around by a fence trying to look innocent, officers in Australia's Northern Territory said.

Sergeant Adam Russell said his plan to nab the reptile in style was vetoed by rangers.

'I wanted to jump on it Steve Irwin style,' he told Northern Territory News.

'But [the rangers] wouldn't let me.'

Instead the creature was bound and bundled into the back of a pick-up truck and taken to the police cells."

3. Sex rampage reindeer Mr Frosty gores woman

"Businesswoman Kay Davies was left battered and bruised after a rutting reindeer called Mr Frosty attacked her.

She was charged by the normally placid creature, knocked to the ground and trampled on.

Colleagues at the farm where her wedding supply business is based ran to her aid and the reindeer had to be put down by a vet.

Reindeers can become aggressive in the rutting season as males seek mates.

Mr Frosty had not been castrated."

The Mr Frosty headline is my favorite, I think. It doesn't make a lick of sense until you actually read the story. Maybe it would help if they used some punctuation... Just to put some things into perspective, I shall post a headline from today's Washington Post.

On Afghanistan, Old Debates and Dangers

Hmm... that's not very funny at all. That's kind of depressing. The media over in Britain is very different. It doesn't sugar-coat things, but at the same time, it's nowhere near as pessimistic or vitriolic as American news media. At least, not seriously.

Anyway, that's all I got for now!

Mahalo and don't let Cuban drug lords push you around!

- Jonathan "Grumpy Crocodile" Trenary

Spanish = Jerks

Here's the weekend update from across the pond.

Yay Blog.

It's a bit wordy this week, but I got a lot to talk about.

Finally went to my first "Geography" class yesterday. And by "Geography," I mean Statistics. The course is called Research Methods, but it's more like a Statistics/Microsoft Excel course. At least, that's what we spent 2 hours learning about anyway. Hopefully it will get more geographical as time goes on.

Also went back to Chinese class, and I'm feeling a little bit better about that one. It seems that I'm not as far behind as I thought. Yay me.

I've also bought groceries, so now I can actually feed myself. There's actually a pretty nice grocery store a little more than a mile away. The pain is just lugging 60 pounds worth of groceries over that distance. A little exercise never hurt someone and this may be a good way to condition myself to get into a rugby league.

The truly awesome thing about buying groceries over here is the reduction in price for Indian spices.

Hey, Mom. You know how you pay $10 for cardamom seeds at the grocery store? I pay roughly $2.50. I guess that's the benefit of living in a country that subjugated the subcontinent of India. Yay colonialism.

Unfortunately, there is one thing that I cannot find. And I've been looking. Dryer sheets. I cannot find dryer sheets to save my life. I would have stuffed some into my already bulging bags of luggage if I had known that dryer sheets would would be scarce here. I accepted that I would likely have to forgo my favorite brand of dryer sheet, Bounce Febreeze: Spring Renewal. I was willing to use normal Bounce, for goodness' sake!

Here's a convenient video to remind you of what I'm missing out on.

After watching the video, you can understand why I'm a wee bit perturbed. Why would one of the most developed nations on the planet go without such an essential as this?

I have a couple of hypotheses.

1. The English, living in such a humid place, have decided that they don't need dryer sheets. Static cling must not exist over here. Perhaps, to the Limeys, it's even a myth. Kind of like Sasquatch.

2. The English actually prefer to have their articles of clothing ride up on them in an uncomfortable manner. Such discomfort helps to cultivate a properly English stiff upper lip.

3. Dryer sheets are accessible only by the English elite. You know, lords, dames, dukes and the Queen. People like that. Can't have the riff-raff out and about, enjoying the benefits of clothing free of static discharge. No, that just won't do. In fact, there's probably an entire room in Harrods (If you don't know what Harrods is, click here.) that is full of all manner of dryer sheets. You just have to show your signet ring to get in.

Maybe Mark Thompson, Director General of the BBC, should have Carrie in on the BBC Breakfast so that the Brits can find out what they're missing. Yay dryer sheets.

There's one last thing I want to address before I sign off.

I was sent this link a few days ago:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/6241440/German-men-are-worlds-worst-lovers-with-English-men-in-second-place.html

It's no surprise that the Germans are sitting at the number one spot for the world's worst lovers. The poll cites odor as being a problem, but I would hazard that, in some cases, the renowned German efficiency isn't always a great thing. Maybe there's such a thing as too efficient.

It's also no surprise that the English are in second place. After living over here for a few weeks and observing English living habits (strictly out of the bedroom) I've come to one conclusion: It's gonna be a bit hard to be Don Juan when you spend most of your waking life at pub, drinking pints and watching footie matches. Perhaps this is a harsh assessment, but I call 'em like I see 'em.

What bothered me was that Americans came in fifth place. There are 193 countries in the world and we are sitting at 189th place for best lover? As the 192nd ranked Brits would say, "Rubbish!" I can't believe America was beat out by countries like Estonia and Brunei. You mean to tell me that Luxembourgians are more romantic than Americans. Pish tish! Even more humiliating is that Canadian men came in 10th place for world's best lovers. Let me remind you what your average Canadian men look like:

Yes Virginia, these are Canadians...

And so, American Men, I put it to you: No more fifth place for worlds worst lovers! It's time to once again out-do the French (4th place for best) and, for goodness sake, out-do those moose riding, beaver-huntin' beer drinkin' Canadians. If my plea seems a bit indelicate...well, it's obviously an indelicate world with America sitting indelicately in 189th place! Yay America.

With that I bid you adieu. Yay farewells.

- Jonathan "Statically Clingin' To The Hope Dryer Sheets in My Future" Trenary

Tumultuous Days

I must admit, I'm a little bit calmer than I was yesterday. I was in red alert, full klaxon freak-out. After being snuffed by yet another English bank, it was looking like I was gonna have to make 35 pounds stretch out over roughly 9 days. The situation was not very pretty. Fortunately the calvary showed up with some quick thinking on my parents part and the fact that I, fortunately, brought my ATM card with me to England. Whew! No more beans and toast. At least, not unless I feel like eating beans and toast.

I'm two days worth of classes in, yet I've only really had Chinese classes so far. If there's one thing I'm learning, it's that everyone knows more Mandarin than I do. I think I can catch up, but it's gonna be a Cinderella story. I've got a lot of vocabulary to learn and I need to effectively boost my comprehension and speaking level by effectively a year's worth of Mandarin Chinese. I know I can do this. It's just gonna be a bit taxing. But I didn't fly over here just for holiday.

I also realized that my Philosophy of Social Sciences (Read: Geography) class doesn't start 'till October 13th. Got lotsa time to prep for that one.

It's been a hellish couple of days, starting to adapt to this new scholastic environment, but there are a few things that play into my favor.

1. The resources here are outta this world. We are way beyond Mary Washington at this point. If I need to go to the library, I gotta decide which one. Need to use the cartography lab? Again, I gotta decide which one I wanna make maps in. There is way more literature at my fingertips and facilities are much nicer. For instance, the library that houses the Mandarin Chinese dictionary has no stairs. It's just a big Frackin' spiral!

This building here on the right is what I'm talking about. (You know, the big Frackin' spiral!)

This is it: The building in which I learn more of the Chinese language. It looks like something some kid built out of LEGO's, but the interior is actually pretty nice.

So I'm slowly adapting to this new lifestyle. It helps when there is a Subway right down the street though. A little taste of home, right in my own neighborhood. (Some of the English things you can put on your sub over here: Baked Beans, Chicken Tikka Masala and Corn) Also in my neighborhood are a few pubs, a hair salon, a couple of Chippies (I'll post some pictures of standard chippie fair eventually.) and an Indian restaurant. There's also a grocery story, a fresh produce outlet and a bakery, as well as a Pizza Hut. But who the heck goes to England to eat Pizza Hut?

Other than that, nothing too interesting has happened to me lately, due to lack of funds/lack of inclination to go do stupid things. Let us hope that the former subsides and the latter remains constant. I suppose it's for the best that my life only becomes so interesting, anyway. I don't want to show up on the Ten O' Clock news. At least, not yet.

So chip-chip-cheerio from fabulous Nottin'em.

- Jonathan "Half of My Uni' Looks Like an M.C. Escher Drawring" Trenary

Day 11 in the Most Surveiled Place on Earth.

I'm not sick anymore, but I've another issue. I've entered into what my flatmate, Jay, referred to as a "budget crisis." After opening an account with Nat West a week ago, I'm still waiting for the account to actually open. Between buying groceries and necessary amenities for my living over here, I'm down to a perturbingly low level of liquid funds. (I've even suspended the option of "Going Out" from my activity roster. The fellow at the bank tells me I'll have to wait 'till Monday before my account is open.

I'm starting to get a wee bit tired of being jerked around by the banks over here.

In other news: England is the most watched place on the face of the planet. I'm willing to bet that there is more surveillance here per capita than in any other country on Earth.

Here is What I mean:

This is the camera that is mounted on the side of the building that I live in. It keenly watches the gated entrance to the apartment complex I live in.

These are two of the cameras mounted to my building that watch the street outside of my apartment complex.

This is another camera that watches the street I live on. It's mounted to a Toyota dealership.

To the right is a camera mounted to the same wall on the same building. It appears to be watching the second story, for some reason. (You can actually see the camera from the picture to the left in the picture below as well.)

This is the pub that is 100 yards away from my flat. It too has a camera. Apparently, those flowers can get up to some pretty suspicious activity.

This is evidently the only building in Britain that doesn't have security cameras mounted to it.

The cameras must be effective. Here is an article my buddy Alfred posted on his Faceboo page that cites a recent 25% decrease in Nottingham crime: http://www.nottinghamcity.gov.uk/index.aspx?articleid=7067 . That's exceptionally funny because I definitely walked past two girls openly sharing a marijuana cigarette at a bus stop today. How do I know it was marijuana and not a rolled cigarette? It smelled funny. That's how I know. I smell it all the time here. It's not because I smoke it either. Seems the rest of the nation does, though. Ironically, with everyone in Britain being stoned, they still walk faster than me.

I got outpaced by an obese man today. I feel really slow over here.

Another strange, British bit of tid. Canadian geese are everywhere in this city. I kinda want to know how the hell all these Canadian geese got over here. Did they get lost? Maybe they should have taken a compass and a map when the flock decided to make it's yearly sojourn south from Canada. They missed the mark by a lot. I know it was the fault of the geese, because no sane person would actually import those birds anywhere. Heck, the Canadians kick 'em out of their country every year. Damn birds still come back. To prove to you that I'm not making this up, I have taken a picture of Canadian geese in England:

Un-charasmatic mesofauna

Lastly, now that my assets have shrunk, you may be asking yourself, "JT, what in the world are you eating now that you are poor." Well, here's a few more pretty pictures of my daily fare.

This

Becomes

This

You've all been a good audience. I'll be here all week. Try the veal cutlet, it's outta this world!

- Jonathan "I Gotta Feelin' Somebody's Watchin' Me" Trenary

September 23rd (Redux) Because I Could...

I know I posted earlier today, but I got to watching a really good video blog in my spare time, and it kinda inspired me to communicate with folks back home via video. Really I'm just trying to give you comprehensive media of me. Next time I'll scan some oil paintings of myself in Nottingham and after that...sketches.

September 23rd

I'm starting to feel a bit better, but I feel like I could still use some sleep. And I've got some damned persistent coughing. I have to leave in a bit to go to more induction...seminars, I guess would be the word for them. The safety one was actually quite fun. The safety officer for the geography building suggested that, "If there's a fire and you feel like having a go at the extinguisher, feel free. They're right fun!" I almost felt encouraged to start a fire just so that I could play with the extinguisher. Almost.

I've met my supervisor for my dissertation and he seems to be a nice fellow. He's very supportive and easy-going. It must not just be Virginian geographers that are like that. It's starting to seem like geographers everywhere are an easy going bunch. This bodes well for me so far. Additionally, my department seems genuinely happy to have me. I don't know what world I've walked into, where American geographers are so warmly received, but I LIKE IT. I haven't really met any of my fellow majors yet, but I'm sure I will soon enough. I wonder if geography students cut-up and fool around over here too...

As far as meeting people goes, I've met all of my flatmates. They're all splendid folk. The guy living across from me is Jay, who is from Holland, but speaks with a West London accent. The fellow next to me, Said, will be leaving soon, to go live with "some mates," but he seemed to be a nice enough fellow. Salim lives at the very end of the hall, across from the Kitchen. He's from the Manchester area and he talks really quickly, so I'm still getting used to his dialect. He made chicken for us all last night, which was rather kind of him. Lastly is Currin, who is generally quiet, but very well spoken and curious about things. Women would generally love him because of his Cracker Jack listening skills. They're all very nice folk, although I don't believe the volume of screaming or lunacy in this flat will near approach that which I experienced in Undergrad. Justin, you know damn well what I mean. Maybe it's for the best. Although, I'm hoping I can turn these fellows onto the stump game.

If you don't know what that is, here's a link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stump_(game)

Overall, I'm doing pretty well. The banking's going slower than expected, so I'm having to pinch my pennies. That's okay, though. It's best to get in that habit now, when I'm most tempted to spend than to learn the hard way. Although, I've always sort of ended up doing things the hard way anyway. Oh well. I'm doing a lion's share of walking about, and I've yet to find a decent pastie shop. I guess I can ask my adviser about that though. He's here to answer questions, right?

For my American Audience: This is the pastie I mean.

















Not these pasties





















I think most people reading this would be slightly perturbed if I were to indulge in the purchase of the booby pasties. But then again, this English weather does weird things to people.

By Friday I should think myself well enough to rejoin reindeer games.

And who knows... pasties might be involved.

Ta Ta For Now. Or Ta-Ta's For Now. Who knows?

-Jonathan "Have a Bite 'O Me Pasty" Trenary

September 21st

I'm started to get settled in, here in England. It hasn't rained once since I got here and September is supposed to be one of the UK's rainiest months. Tubular. The weather has been comfortably cool and, from what I hear, the temperature rarely drops below 32 degrees Fahrenheit or 0 degrees Celsius. It's one or the other. I'm not sure which.

The fun thing about being over is noticing the little nuances that make British society so different from the American society that I am accustomed to in the States.

1. The queue. It's wonder the British found it necessary to colonize most of the world. When the British rolled up into India/South Africa/Australia/North America/Yo' Mamma's House and found that the denizens placed nowhere near as much value in forming a straight orderly line as the Brits do, the fate of those peoples was sealed. The queue is a serious thing over here. You don't deviate, you don't form a mob and you CERTAINLY don't jump ahead in queue! Queue jumping alone will result in a stern scolding from several police constables and a two-week stint in the tower of London.

2. Alcoholism. The Brits, although trailing behind the Russians, are world class alcoholics. Well, in American senses in any case. Over here it's just a healthy predilection towards good ol' fashioned oat soda. In the states anyone who spent over thirty minutes in a bar every day either works there, is in a Ted Danson TV sitcom, or is an alcoholic. (The last two items are not mutually exclusive.) In fact, upon undergoing a health screening for University healthcare, I had to identify how much of an alcoholic I really was. They just wanted to find out whether or not I belonged on the island, I'm sure. In the defense of the British though they only have about 13 alcohol related deaths for every 100,000 whereas in the States we have about 3,000 for every 100,000. I guess the English are less prone to do stupid things after they drink. Like drive cars...

3. Walking. I often find myself walking much slower than most of the people around me. That's really no surprise. But here in England I feel like a rickshaw racing in the Indianapolis 500. People ZOOM past me! Partially I attribute this to my standard walking speed, which is "mosey." I don't think the British even use that one. It's like the equivalent to having a "churn" speed on your blender. It's there, but who uses it? Well I do, for one. If anyone wants to send me a t-shirt with the sign, "Give slow motorists a break." printed on the back, I would gladly wear it over here. At the same time, it seems like many of the English are in an unnecessary rush. I guess growing up in the country slows down one's turn of the leg.

I still haven't bought a plunger, but that's because I can't find one. Perhaps they don't plunge things here in England. If that's true though, they probably shouldn't have issued me a visa.

Other than being a little sick from (what I guess is) the Meningitis shot I received last week, things are pretty well on this side of the pond.

Take care of yourselves.

Don't forget to spay or neuter your pets.

- Jonathan "Probably never gonna be an fast-walkin', alcoholic, liner-upper" Trenary

September 19th

I am no longer homeless.

Nor am I any longer susceptible to meningitis.

I have a bank account, a phone, registration for both school and healthcare, as well as a little corner to call my own.

Yesterday was brutal. There was a lot of waiting in long lines/queues and little organization on the part of the University. In fact, as Luke pointed out, the registration for healthcare and the meningitis shot were the only well organized processes all week. (Oh, and I'm kind of an American hero for getting that Meningitis shot. The needle was HUGE!) I can only imagine what "fresher's week" will be like.

The really exciting subject is my new flat. Well, I call it a flat but it seems more like a single dorm room with its own bathroom. It's likely the smallest room I've ever lived in. No worries there though. I have the place to myself, so it's all gravy. I've yet to meet my flat mates because, honestly, I've yet to leave my room. I've been organizing everything and putting stuff away.

What a task.

This is my room. The walls are purple.

This picture to the left shows where I'll sit when I do work and stuff like that. Notice the well placed shelving unit.

Here to the right is the scenic vista that I may partake of any time that my eyes drift up from my computer screen to the window.

I made my bed. Not like manufacturing, but

more like tucking in sheets and the like.

I'm finding that space is really at a premium in this room, but I should be okay so long as I don't increase the quantity of items in my personal inventory by too much. Clothing storage, for example will not solely rely on drawers for pants, underwear, sweaters, socks, and tee-shirts. Instead, pants and sweaters are segregated (unfortunately) and are forced to live in the wardrobe with my jackets and collared shirts.

As you can see to the left, my pants and sweaters are

forced to cohabit on the top shelf of my wardrobe. The

socks accused them of shacking up, but the sweaters

insist that it's "Just until one of us can find another place."

To the right, here, is the common room for my

flat. We have two refrigerators which is nice.

This is the kitchen (attached to the common room.) The cabinets kinda smell like curry. But Hey! There's already a microwave oven. Bonus!

I'l probably post more pictures on here so long as I find stuff worthy of photographing. I hope the visual aids help. Now I have to go get lunch (I skipped breakfast.) and pick up some stuff. They UNITE housing people don't provide any toilet paper. They don't even give you an initial mercy roll; so if you're in bad shape when you show up, you better waddle somewhere else FAST. The flush power on this baby is pretty strong though. I should probably get a plunger anyway. Those of you that know me pretty well are probably fervently nodding your heads right now and mouthing the words, "Yes yes, for the love of god yes, buy a plunger!"

I also need cups and stuff.

So off I go to grab lunch and make a grocery list.

Catch you on the flip side.

- Jonathan "Just One Mercy Roll, Please" Trenary